Heartbeat Press - June 2025 Edition

"When You Believe" - A Song of Joy, Freedom, and Life  

    On the morning of June 24, 2022, I was sitting behind the desk in my office, intently glued to a computer screen, rummaging through the day's work. Heartbeat Press had just published its maiden edition (June 2022), my day job was keeping me busy more often than not, and (though it wasn't in the forefront of my mind at that moment) life-changing news awaited. For weeks, headlines had buzzed over the leaked news that the Supreme Court had plans to reverse Roe v. Wade, the 1973 ruling that made abortion legal in every state. While the actual ruling had yet to be handed down, all eyes watched for it, anticipating celebrating or bemoaning the decision, depending on personal conviction and political leaning. Given my Pro-Life beliefs, which I had recently decided to put some muscle behind, I was one that hoped for a reversal, since it would bolster Pro-Life protections for the unborn and give advocates for life a better ability to reach out to mothers before they aborted their children.
    However, I can admit that not all my thoughts around the potential reversal were positive. I wanted the unfair ruling to end with all my heart, but part of me also wondered if the action would con Pro-Lifers into early retirement under the assumption that "there was no more work to do." Would Pro-Lifers become obsolete? Would the threats of angry backlash become a reality, turning neutrals against Pro-Lifers because of "what they had caused?" Would heart-change work be abandoned in Pro-Life states in the face of legal protections (choosing smug legal justification over a desire to educate)? And then I checked my phone. Abby Johnson, famous for leaving a high profile position at Planned Parenthood to become a vocal Pro-Life advocate and one of the first people I heard speak about the value of the unborn, had just posted a video. In it, amidst tears of joy and the jubilant shouts of friends, Johnson broke the news: the Supreme Court had just made good on its plan; Roe v. Wade had been overturned!
    For a brief moment, all those "What If's" rushed into my mind and my heart felt tremendously heavy as a mix of excitement and grief, joy and fear mixed inside of it. But then it struck me that all that trepidation could wait and solutions could be found if necessary. The thing to do in that moment was to celebrate. And I did - as the long-awaited news spread like wildfire, declaring the unborn valuable - with a few happy tears and a song that I felt perfectly summed up the moment.
    Written for the 1998 film The Prince of Egypt, "When You Believe" is the celebration song of the Israelites, which starts as a whisper before building to a roaring cheer as they finally leave Egypt as a free people after centuries of mistreatment. It speaks of waiting for a change in desperate silence; the need for blind faith in the face of insurmountable odds; and (most importantly) the undying truth that, despite every set back and failure, miracles are possible and can come about when we least expect them (through the most unlikely people).
    As I listened to the song on that early summer morning, it struck me that its message had been (and often still is) the reality for the Pro-Life movement as it stands against the ever-present culture of death that is so intrinsic to modern society. The work often feels thankless, heartache or bittersweet joy are familiar emotions, and at times it seems like victories like the reversal of Roe are few and far between (i.e., according to Guttmacher Institute statistics, at least sixty million babies died under Roe). But our joy in those circumstances, our faith in a cause, is what makes ours a story of triumph over tragedy and defines everyone within it as conquerors in a hard-fought war. As Miriam (sister to Moses) sings in "When You Believe," faith can move mountains before the individual (or the group) realizes it has, simply because it was kept alive and growing.
    Generations of Pro-Lifers wished for an end to Roe; they believed beyond the shadow of a doubt that it could happen, and, even when fears and frustrations arose, they kept a hope alive because every individual was confident in the cause and the God who had called each and every one of them to take a part in it. Hope (like all abstract things) can be frail at times, and yet remains one of the hardest substances to kill entirely because it exists in the hearts of those who preserve it, its longevity bolstering causes in even the darkest of nights. It's an end goal to strive towards and a uniting point of common ground for all. It stirs the most unlikely champions and is, in every moment, a reminder that things change; they just take time and trust.
    Roe v. Wade was overturned three years ago, and, despite my fears and every possible "What If," Pro-Lifers have not become obsolete. In fact, our movement is needed more than ever as we expand heart-change, counseling, and pregnancy center work. And, as much as it was a beacon for our biggest win to date, "When You Believe" has not exceeded its purpose yet either. It can still be an encouraging anthem for our life-saving work as we surge ahead to our next "impossible" goal, whatever that may be. Let's joyfully take the wins when they come and let's never make the mistake of assuming our work is over. Instead, hope is our heartbeat and belief our backbone. Powerful things happen when we set them to work. 

Sources: Wikipedia.org, Live Action News.org

Photo Credit: YouTube.com

Heartbeat Press - March 2025 Edition

Babies In Boxes - The Anonymous Pro-Life Tool Saving Lives    

    In October 2021, actor and noted philanthropist Christopher Meloni appeared on the popular PBS series Finding Your Roots to delve into his family's history. Known for roles in series like Law and Order (as Detective Elliot Stabler) and Harley Quinn (as Jim Gordon), Meloni has made a name for himself through characters who often have a soft spot of the less fortunate, defending and enacting justice on their behalf. This is a characteristic that becomes even more unique when put in perspective with Meloni's own life, which wouldn't have been possible without the real-life defense of innocence affected by the kindness of strangers in late 1800s to early 1900s Italy.     
    While perusing documents on the show, Meloni read a certificate of identification for his great-grandfather, Enrico Meloni, that detailed his retrieval from "the wheel," a device that was quickly explained by Finding Your Roots' host Dr. Henry Louis Gates Jr. as a type of primitive drop box often built into the walls of churches where new parents were allowed to anonymously leave their newborn babies if they were unable to care or provide for them. The children were then raised by the church or, in the case of Enrico Meloni, a nurse who saw to his upbringing until the age of twelve, when he was left to his own devices. Dr. speculated that Enrico was most likely left in the Foundling Wheel because his parents were poor but also noted that, given this beginning, it is extraordinary that Enrico rose above his circumstances, eventually immigrating to America and building a thriving family that produced a widely successful actor. Meloni agreed with this sentiment and added his own emotional reaction to the knowledge, saying he felt an extreme gratitude towards his great-grandfather in that moment.
    Foundling Wheels (modernized into Baby Boxes) still exist today in several US cities, where they can most commonly be found on the outside of Fire and Police stations. Outfitted with blankets, heating and cooling, postnatal packets for parents, safety-looking doors, and sensors that allow babies to be picked up by emergency professionals within two minutes, the boxes function as an extension of these first responder and medical services. Flourishing in that capacity, the boxes have enabled hundreds of babies to be rescued from abortion or abandonment. This perk was particularly highlighted by Live Action News in 2022, as the organization reacted to several relinquishment cases where infant remains were pulled from dumpsters and, in one heart-wrenching instance, the trash bin of a New Mexico hospital when the teen mother didn't want to admit she had been pregnant. Live Action noted that tragedies like those deaths would occur less frequently if more states implemented the life saving and anonymous baby boxes. Many Pro-Life groups have championed this effort for years, and after several box success stories, even the general public is beginning to take notice.
    However, there are some Pro-Choice groups and laymen who argue against the implementation of Baby Boxes, citing the expense of installation and the inhumanity of forcing women to give up their children as drawbacks to the tool's usefulness. Notably, these critics have failed to suggest any of their own alternatives to the issue besides abortion, which not only separates a woman from her child but also brutally kills that child and leaves the mother with years of emotional and physical trauma that many never recover from. While the pain of surrendering a child is excruciating, mothers who do so can find some comfort in the knowledge that they've given their children a chance that abortion never offers. Early hardships are surmountable, but death is forever.
    For Pro-Life advocate Monica Kelsey, the Baby Box initiative is of particular importance as the mission of her organization, Safe Haven Baby Boxes, but also because her own mother could have benefited from the option. Seventeen, pregnant from rape, and nearly pressured into an abortion in 1972, Kelsey's mother cherished the child she carried, but ultimately left the infant Monica at a hospital in Ohio. Realizing years later, after a career in the military and first response, just how close she came to death, save for the option to be cared for by others, Kelsey turned that heartache into action as she founded her company and now works to educate the public on Safe Haven Laws and the alternatives to abortion. To date, Safe Haven Baby Boxes has installed 191 Baby Boxes in fourteen states and has plans to continue its work until every state prioritizes the tool. 
    Though they routinely save lives, Baby Boxes are a woefully underused aspect of the Pro-Life movement. They utilize public safety resources and build on proven foundling policy, but are often invalidated by asinine arguments from the Pro-Abortion crowd. However, the boxes have begun to garner public interest, which may inspire wider appreciation and implementation going forward. At the very least, the boxes should be considered a viable option in a post-Roe, resource-curious, world.  

Sources: Live Action News, Spectrum News 1.com, Fandom.com, Wikipedia, Safe Haven Baby Boxes.org, Finding Your Roots, YouTube - Court TV

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Heartbeat Press - September 2024 Edition

A Moment in Time - The Voice of a Culture Saved from Death 

    On a warm, slightly breezy spring day in 2019, dozens of Pro-Lifers milled around behind the curtain of a large out-door stage in New York City. A hundred more stood out front, waiting for the next speaker who was scheduled to appear that day...and Christina Bennett took a moment to breathe and offer up a silent prayer before stepping out from behind the curtain. She wasn't nervous. She had spoken at enough of these events to forgo any pre-speech jitters, but every time she spoke she was reminded of just how powerful her message was. Like everyone here, she cared deeply about the fight for life. But, unlike the majority, this fight was extremely personal to her. She had to convey the depth of this cause every time she spoke, a feat she knew she could only accomplish with the Lord's strength, not her own. 

    Born and raised in Hartford, Connecticut, Christina Bennett almost didn't make it to her birthday. If you were to ask her about it, Bennett would point out that this nearly happened because her mother, a young, single, lower-middle class, Black woman was part of the key demographic Planned Parenthood geared its abortion propaganda towards. To this day, the nation's biggest abortion provider routinely targets "disadvantaged" groups, reasoning that they need access to abortion more than other demographics and providing guilt-free murder enables the company to engage in essential social justice. In 1981, Bennett's mother fell for their highly-polished sales pitch.

    Unexpectedly pregnant and unsure what she should do, Bennett's mother scheduled an abortion, believing it was the only option left to her. She had no support system to speak of, so the facade of care oozing from her neighborhood Planned Parenthood offered a sickly-sweet shoulder to cry on and a "comforting" voice to assure her that the decision she had made, no matter how she might wrestle with it, was the right one. But, when her appointment day arrived, Bennett's mother couldn't shake a nagging feeling of hesitation. She wasn't sure she wanted to go through with the abortion, but as she sat in the doctor's office half-listening to the laundry list of pre-procedure paperwork being rattle off by a facility counselor, she had no time to ask herself what she actually wanted.

    Stepping out into the hallway for a moment, Bennett's mother found herself suddenly overcome with a rush of sadness slamming into her like a wave, causing her to drop to her knees to release great rolling sobs in a desperate attempt to relieve even a small amount of the pressure building inside. She didn't know what she wanted and she had no time to change her mind. What if she made the wrong choice? It was there, in that moment when Bennett's mother was only aware of her own grief, that a soft hand placed itself on her shoulder, causing her to meet the determined gaze of an older African-American woman kneeling on the floor in front of her. "Do you want to have this baby?" the woman asked. Bennett's mother could only stare at the woman through tear-stained eyes, but, almost unconsciously, found herself nodding yes. "Then the Lord will give you the strength of walk out of here." In the holy hush that followed the woman's words, two lives changed forever. Amid a severe onslaught from the abortion doctor, Bennett's mother left the neighborhood Planned Parenthood and kept the baby who would grow up to be a powerful voice in the Pro-Life movement. 

    Christina Bennett knows she should have died that day, and she has never stopped praising God for allowing her to live and share her story with millions of people. Building on the facts mentioned above, Bennett's platform focuses on the "Black Experience" with abortion, namely that it is the culture most targeted by the abortion industry. Research reveals that 16 million Black babies have been aborted since Roe's installation in 1973 (360 every day). Black women (15% of the childbearing population) receive 33% of abortions. And the abortion giant, Planned Parenthood, was founded by a racist who unapologetically promoted the extermination of the Black community through eugenics. And yet abortion is still promoted as a necessity "graciously" given to the Black community. 

    Bennett disagrees. Social justice does not demand the deaths of the innocent as payment for forward movement. The destruction of children and, by default, their mothers' hearts cannot build a brighter future. And the Black community doesn't need abortion to thrive. In fact, it has routinely proven it is more powerful when building its next generation. "This is an extension of the Civil Rights Movement," Bennett proclaimed on that spring day in New York City. This time it will be characterized by the saving of lives instead of a fight for equality. As such, it's time to pick which side of history everyone is going to be on. 

Resources: YouTube.com, CURE

Photo Credit: Focus on the Family.com 

Summer Night

Satin blue sky,

Envious hue.

Crystal white porch lights,

Hanging like garland out of season.

A dark endless night, 

Hiding love and mystery.

Distant talking tv,

Soft chatter of mother's voice. 

Father sleeps,

Dreams in his head like restless fireflies.

Headlights approach gone in an instant,

A perfect warm darkness.

Chapter's starting page,

Feet on the sill.

Out into the night I look,

Bugs buzz for all they're worth...summer.

Photo Credit: Artful Home

I Love You More - Sanctity of Human Life Day 2022

In honor of Sanctity of Human Life Day
and in memory of the estimated 62 million lives lost to abortion. 

The sun is bright and the day is new,

You know me and I know you.

Hello little one what a bright smile,

Innocent and pure without any guile.

Little child how sweet you are,

Your spirit is bright as a shining star.

Bubbly and vibrant spilling over with joy,

It takes the heart with an easy ploy.

My sweet child I created you by hand,

Imagined you wonderfully perfectly planned.

An image of me but so preciously dear,

Cling to me child you've nothing to fear.

Little one I've known you ever so long,

I formed you with joy and a triumphant song.

I knit you together with careful craft,

I smiled so wide when I first heard you laugh.

I created your smile your heart and your hands,

Gave you a future and planned big plans.

My own little child a creation so dear,

Never forget that I am always near.

I love you my child without any doubt,

Now go and speak it from the roof tops shout.

Know in your mind your heart and your core,

You're my child and I love you more.

     

Photo Credit: Amazon.com

Abortion Estimates

Choosing Life

Abortion Will End

Let Them Live

Abby Johnson

A Poem In Honor of My Parents

My parents recently celebrated their thirty-third wedding anniversary. Over all those years, there have been ups and downs, highs and lows, and a lot of love, sometimes punctuated by some well-intentioned teasing. In honor of my parents, I wrote this poem to commemorate the day and to show them just how much their love has meant to me. 

Love is patient love is kind,

Love is all love is life.

To hold a hand you know so well,

To say "I love you" without a word.

A love born out of the new is grand,

But a love spanning ages is far better still.

Hand in hand ages passed quickly,

And you're quietly glad you walked this road together. 

Photo Credit: Pinterest

Update/Where I've Been

 

Hello Everyone.

I'm back! I'm so sorry that I was absent from this and my other blog for so long (I've taken breaks before but never quite as completely as this one). No, I didn't  quit writing or fall off the face of the earth; I have just been unable to post for a very long time for reasons that I will explain in a moment. But before that, I want to thank anyone who is still actively watching this blog and waiting for me to update. Even though I don't know you personally, it means a lot to me to have loyal, devoted readers coming back month after month to enjoy what I've posted, and knowing that you're waiting for me to write something gives me motivation to keep working. I hope that you will all continue to read my blogs now that I have returned and I promise that I will post more frequently in the coming months. But...anyway, where the heck have I been and what has been keeping me from writing since February? 

*****

For starters, while I haven't written about this event yet, I have mentioned that I wasn't able to go to school in Fall 2020. For four years, basically the entirty of my high school career, I had planned to attend Ethnos360 Bible Institute to complete a two-year Bible and Missions degree. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend the school because of policy changes due to the virus-that-will-not-be-named, and for quite a while I had no idea what I was going to do with the time that I had allotted to school studies. I made the decision to drop out of school two weeks before the start of the semester so, even if I had found another school and program to pursue, it would have been too late to apply, let alone get accepted. I struggled a lot emotionally with the decision I had made and I had a lot of conversations with God asking him why he had "derailed" the plans I had set in stone. If this past year has taught me anything, it is that God's timing is almost never my timing and that my human shortsightedness is a terrible guide for my life. While I didn't think of it at the time, I have since remembered Proverbs 16:9, which says, "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." This verse definitely applies to my life over the past year. My plans were derailed and I couldn't see why God had allowed it to happen; I couldn't possibly imagine what God had in store that was better than Bible school. But God came through for me and he came through in a big way. 

I have been a part of a local musical group for just over ten years. I joined when I was eleven and, while I haven't had major roles, I have enjoyed every production I was involved in. I have always loved the theater, but I came to realize over the years that acting really wasn't my strong suit; I could do it but I was much more passionate about working behind the scenes to make sure the show went smoothly. So during my last year of high school, I transitioned to the role of backstage hand and worked behind the scenes of the group's production of Cinderella. That experience was wonderful so, when I graduated and I stepped away from the theater group in preparation to go to college, my heart hurt a great deal. But God works in wonderful ways! I never thought I would do another production with my theater group - I thought our shows would become a pleasant memory as I threw myself wholeheartedly into my school work - but God had other plans. 

When I dropped out of school, I had no idea how I was going to fill my time; I pondered for weeks on what I could do, and then my mother asked me randomly one morning in September if I had thought about my theater group. God bless the mind of a mother! If my mom had not reminded me that my theater group was preparing to rehearse and preform a rendition of Beauty and the Beast, if she hadn't prompted me to call my director and ask if she needed any help at all, I never would have wound up in the cast of Beauty and the Beast as the Stage Manger! 

I had loved working backstage for Cinderella but being the Stage Manger for Beauty and the Beast was pure bliss. I am very detail-oriented and I have a knack for organization, so getting to apply those talents to a theater production was wonderful. I was also able to find satisfaction knowing that I was helping my director out in a huge way. Because of the circumstances of the past year, putting together a show was no easy feat (though my director continually impressed me with everything she pulled off); my director worried a lot if all our hard work would pay off, if our minimal cast was up to the challenge that Beauty and the Beast presented, and if the show would ever see the light of day. On more than one occasion, she was completely stressed with too many balls in the air and seemingly the weight of the entire production on her shoulders; as her Stage Manager, I had the ability to help her shoulder that stress and take care of the little details that she just couldn't worry about in the moment. After our show ended, she pulled me aside and told me that having me backstage gave her a sense of peace. She knew she didn't have to worry about anything backstage because she knew she could depend on me to take care of everything. God has given me gifts that helped me comfort my director and I am forever grateful that I was given the chance to use them.  

But more than anything, being the Stage Manger for this show was wonderful because I credit Beauty and the Beast as a saving grace in my life during this past year. I have suffered with depression in the past (I have written about it before and I will do so again in a moment) and before I joined the cast of Beauty and the Beast I felt my self slipping back into my old habits. I was very disappointed that my 2020 plans had been thrown out the window and I had no idea what I was going to do with my newly-found time. My college plans had been set in stone for months and I had had my heart set on Ethnos360 since freshman year of high school. I couldn't understand why God would take, seemingly, everything away from me. I was angry and sad and on more than one occasion I begged God to show me why I had been forced to stay home. How could anything fill the void that had just opened in my life? 

This truly is a case of God's plan over mine. If I had gone to school, I never would have had the opportunity to stage manage for Beauty and the Beast, I couldn't have built the friendships that were created during rehearsal time, and I would not have discovered just how passionate I am for live theater (I have always loved it but this year, perhaps because we had to work so hard to produce our show, that love was really solidified and may have opened up a new path for me). I can't fathom everything that God has done for me and, in hindsight, I am forever grateful that he derailed my plans and gave me a better path to walk during this past year. 

I could go on and on about musical (just ask my family, who has already heard me gush about the show over and over again). I could tell you all the magical secrets of working behind the scenes, I could expose all the skeletons in the proverbial prop closet, I could talk theater for hours (maybe I'll dedicate a whole blog post to Beauty and the Beast). But for now there's more of this post to get to, so read on. 

*****

As busy as I was helping out with Beauty and the Beast, the production was not the only thing that kept me from posting for months. As I have said in the past, I struggle with sporadic depression. While it is not severe to the point where I would have to take medication to combat it, and it is not a long-lasting sensation when it arrives, I have found it hard to function normally or follow my regular routine when it strikes. When I am feeling depressed, I am not suicidal or deeply disturbed, but I cannot force myself to act like I'm okay. I feel tired, upset, and melancholy. I find it hard to do the things that bring me joy because my "depression brain" can no longer find the spark of excitement that lets me enjoy the things that I love. All I want to do is curl up in a tight ball and lay under my bed covers till my mood improves; at the same time, though, that is not enough to make me happy again. 

More often than not, my depression is triggered by the feeling that I am not doing anything worthwhile with my life. I see my friends in their "wildly successful" careers, living "exciting," "fast paced" lives, and I wonder why my life doesn't look the same. It's not that I'm jealous of my friends; I know that their lives are just as "mundane" as mine. I know that they are not completely satisfied either, and I know that what they are doing with their lives is fulfilling for them and I would not be happy trading places. But deep down my depression asks the quite question, "Are you really happy with how your life is going?" I can see the error in this question; I know that I am happy with my life and that the career and activities I fill my time with are good fulfilling things that bring me joy. I know that if something in my life is not right for me, I can fix it and pursue better things...but in the moment it can be hard to listen to my logical self. 

Alternatively, my depression comes about when it seems like the weight of the world is on my shoulders - when I have many responsibilities that all require my attention at once, when important things go wrong in my life, or when the world just seems too big and stressful for me to handle. When I just can't deal with the stress anymore, my body shuts down and forces me to take a step back from everything weighing on me. But it is not a healthy step back because, instead of re-evaluating my life and deciding if I have to cut some pressing things out of my schedule, my depression takes over and I tend to sit in silence, wondering how I'm ever going to juggle all the tasks vying for my attention. I sit and stew and, though it doesn't last long, I wonder if any of the things I'm juggling are worth the time and effort I'm putting into them. "What if I just dropped that; no one would care," "Can I shirk on that responsibility for a while?" "Is this really making an impact?" These thoughts crowd my mind and I am tempted to let everything fall by the wayside; all I want to do is abandon the things that make me happy and seek out something "new and exciting." Once again, I know that these thoughts are foolish and that I just need to walk through my depression for a little while till I am able to pick up my responsibilities and juggle them all again. I know that burn out, melancholy, and depression don't last forever but that can be hard to remember. 

As I said, my depression is not a constant struggle. It comes and goes and more often than not I am completely happy and satisfied with my life. I can go for months without slipping. But depression comes out of nowhere and can be triggered by very simple things. When the whole world went crazy last year and any semblance of normal life disappeared, I fought as long as I could to stay positive and trust that everything would be all right. I tired to remember that God had the whole situation in his hands (I never stopped believing that), but month after month went by with no change and, as time passed, the world just seemed to get worse. I tried to stay positive - I told myself that tomorrow would  be better, I would go to bed hoping that something would brighten the next day - but when I woke up I was always sorely disappointed. After weeks of putting on a brave face and fighting against all the anger, sadness, and disappointment, I just couldn't fight anymore and I slipped into probably the worst depression episode I have ever experienced. I couldn't pull myself out of it for weeks.Nothing seemed worthwhile. I was afraid that if I looked forward to anything or put my hope in a "saving grace," that it would be suddenly and unemotionally taken away from me. I tired to be happy and there were moments that I was, but underneath everything was a lurking, malignant sadness. My emotions had been tattered to the point of seemingly no return, I couldn't begin to fathom putting myself back together to try and rebuild my life. I just couldn't lift my sword to fight. 

"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be still." Exodus 14:14

God's timing and strength will always leave me in awe. Though I was completely knocked off my feet by the last year, though I was overcome by the most powerful emotions, though I couldn't fight my own battles, God was in total control. God not only saw my tattered state, but he knew that it was going to happen before it ever did and he had the perfect plan to get me out of it. God fought my battle with depression for me and only asked that I trust him and watch from the sidelines. He took on all the emotions that I couldn't face and blew them all away. God reached down, took my little hand, and pulled me back up onto my feet. God brought me out of the depression and started putting my life back together. He reintroduced me to the things that I loved and showed me some new things. He overcame everything that had happened over the past year. 

I was not instantly cured of my depression; it still took a little while to come out of it and I still fall into it occasionally. But the real thing I took away from the experience was this: God cares about me and will never leave me in a hard place. It might feel like you are completely alone in your suffering, but God is always right behind you, holding you up. God knew that I needed to trust him more so he placed me in a situation where that was all I could do; all I could do was cling to him and realize that he wasn't going to let go. God used the whole of last year to teach me more about myself; I was able to go deeper in my relationship with him, and for the first time in a very long while, I am actually invested in discovering more about my Savior. I couldn't see it at the time but God was doing a good work in me, one that would bring about sweet fruit. 

Trust the Lord's timing because he knows what he's doing and he will always fight for you. 

*****

Finally, I have not been able to post recently because my family has been very busy with a huge life change. We're moving! I'm sure those of you who have moved in the past can well imagine all the work that goes into this endeavor but my family has never moved before. I have always lived in the same house. My parents bought our home a few years before I was born and, thanks to the begging of my sister and me, we never looked for a new house even when the market was favorable or our stage of life was right for a change. So, it would be an understatement to say we were a little unprepared for just how much work we had signed up for.

We house-hunted for weeks. We looked through dozens of undesirable or unworkable houses, we lost bids on two houses and had to get back up after that disappointment. We finally got a house but our closing date isn't till the fall. Then we had to pack away all of our non-essential belongings (shocker, it takes a lot of work to pack up twenty five years worth of stuff!), we endeavored to fix all of the little problems in our house that we had lived with for years, and we had to endure the destruction of our comfortable daily routines. 

Everywhere I turn there is something else moving-related to be dealt with. It seemed like there is no end in sight. Every waking moment was, and still is, filled with house-related stress and, though I tried to work through it for a while, I have found it very hard to deal with all this commotion. Many, many things have to get done very quickly, our lives have been turned upside down, and there is no small amount of emotional stress attached to this big step. My emotions are shot and there are times when I just can't think about moving anymore. 

I have been too busy, stressed, and at times too sad to sit down and type a blog post. After working for hours on the house, I just needed to rest my body and my brain. I could have written something but I wouldn't have enjoyed it and it probably wouldn't have been very coherent. 

All that being said...there is still a long way to go before our lives can get back to normal in a new house, but we are well on our way. This is a new experience for my whole family and, while it is stressful at times, I would be lying if I said we weren't excited about this next step. There is a whole new chapter opening up in front of us and we are very excited to see where it takes us. While we will remain the same, we will have a new house to inhabit and make our own. We have the opportunity to "reinvent" ourselves, to see how we can mature into a new space. It will be sad leaving the house we have lived in for twenty-five years and I know that I will personally miss "my home" and "my room" and "my routine" from time to time. But I am also looking forward to a new home, room, and routine at the same time. This is a grand adventure and I am ready to embark on it.

Through all of this, I continually remember that God is with us. He knew we were going to choose to move, he knew where our new house was before we ever saw it. He has been walking alongside us this entire time, rejoicing in the our triumphs and weeping in our sorrows. He has worked everything for our good, even if we didn't understand what he was doing in the moment. He was with us in our old home and he will be with us in a new one. Our lives are changing but God remains the same. 

*****

All of this has contributed to my recent absence. Many things fell on my plate at once, some good and some bad, and in an effort to clear my plate of some things, activities I love like blogging had to be put aside for a time to make room for everything else. I wouldn't say that my life has calmed down now that the things I mentioned above have ended or are about to end, but I do have more energy and I have found myself reaching for the things I set aside. Now I can bring my passions back onto the plate and, while they might sit untouched for a while, I can work on them once again. I cannot promise that I will be able to post consistently, but I will try to post more than I have been. I never want to let my writing lapse for very long so, even if it lays dormant for a while, I will always come back. 

Thank you again to all of you who have stuck with me and I hope to be writing for you again very soon. :)

Photo Credit: 

Greater Lawrence Family Health Center

Molly Wenholz

American Academy of Family Physicians

A Noble Savage

The wind is cold and the sky is grey,

Open your eyes to greet this day.

It sings of melancholy and long ago,

Hear its song as the wind wails low. 

You don't know me and I don't know you,

Between two people understanding is few.

But if you would listen to my short tale,

Perhaps our understanding wouldn't be so frail. 

You see I have lived a thousand lives,

Flown with the birds and tended the  hives.

I know the ways of nature and the world,

The years have made my face jagged and curled.

I have raised a thousand braves to battle,

I have hunted the forests and run with the cattle.

My feet have tread the high mountains of the land,

Made lives and homes with my brotherly band.

I know the ways of the wind and the waves,

I know every wild beast that lives in the caves.

My name means wise though its utterance is lost,

I've seen the world change slowly and at great cost.

Once upon a time the land was free,

There was open space for you and me.

The heavens were bright and the fields were ripe,

The stars shown like diamonds scattered in a stripe.

Brave men and savages fought for the land,

To each others' throats we would always raise a hand.

Peace in our time was a thing of the past,

Something we never wanted for we knew it couldn't last.

Battle and blood were all we knew,

Tears and sweat mixed with morning dew.

The land was trampled under our feet,

Ever onward we surged our destinies to meet.

I should have died so long ago,

I wished to die that our story might grow.

But life it seems will never leave me,

It's left me to ponder wait and see.

The world has changed since that long ago time,

But when the wind blows I can still hear it chime.

There's no place on earth like the land I knew,

No brave hearts but the very few.

A noble savage is what they called me,

For they cannot speak of what they don't see.

They do not know me or know of my past,

How long will this illusion of theirs last?

If I were noble the world would be whole,

I would not have let destruction take its toll.

A noble man works to see peace preserved,

Rather than fighting he works only to serve.

Gone are the days when brave roamed free,

But perhaps the fault falls to me.

Battle and blood bring glory and fame,

But once the dust settles you have nothing but shame.

A noble savage once roamed that hill,

Basking in the sun and drinking his fill.

But he's long gone I've taken his place,

Years have put lines on this weary worn face.

If the winds could speak what would they say,

Would they speak wisdom or fly far away?

Would they grieve the land where my brothers died,

Or would they say we picked the wrong side?

I've seen the passage of time roll on,

I've seen every sunset and every dawn.

The world has a chance to begin anew,

It starts with me and it starts with you.

The wind is calling and the waves do weep,

It is time for old enemies at last to sleep.

Time has traveled on and on,

And with it my age is forever gone.

This noble savage has fulfilled his oath,

He's left the world with room for growth.

Time will tell if peace can return,

But that's why I speak that others may learn. 

Photo Credit: Pinterest 

Dear Past Self

Dear Past Self, 

Hello, Rachel. How have you been? It's been a really long time since we've talked. Several years in fact. I didn't mean for it to be so long, but the years have gone very fast and a lot of things have happened that required my attention. But I thought it was about time we caught up.

If I remember correctly, you're nine years old and have just started forth grade. You like reading, tree climbing, and generally being outside. You spend most of your time doing one of these activities or playing with your little sister, Abbie. Your favorite color is blue, your hair is still bright blonde since you spend so much time outside, and you always seem to have a smile on your face. You're a little shy around strangers, but it only takes you a little while to get comfortable with them, after which you're happy, bubbly, and usually the loudest one in the group. I have always loved your spirit at this age. You never let anything hold you back. You were carefree, and the whole universe had possibilities. 

You're nine years old; what a great age to be! In fact, it's going to turn out to be your favorite age. You're almost double digits so you feel very grown up and important, but you're still young enough that your biggest problems in life are picking how you want your hair styled in the morning and how much time you can spend outside before it gets too dark. You don't have a care in the world that can't be solved by a hug from your mom.

How I wish life had stayed that way! Though you can't fathom it right now, you're going to grow up. You're going to grow up into the person that I am today. I can hardly believe sometimes that you and I are the same person; we've changed so much. We may look the same - you really don't change in appearance that much as you get older - but in many other ways I am no longer the little girl who was so excited to be turning double digits. 

At the time of my writing this, I am 19 years old, ten years older than you, my dear past self. I've grown into a tall, reflective, very opinionated young adult who still can't believe how old she is sometimes. I still love the outdoors, though I don't climb trees anymore. I am still an avid reader, and I have also tried my hand at writing essays and poetry. I am much quieter than I used to be, but that doesn't mean I've lost my spunkiness; I'm quiet but that only means I'm loud on the inside. My smile is still bright and I use it often; nothing could take that away, not even the problems that I have had to face as an adult.

I doubt that you, my nine-year old self, could fathom some of the problems that I have had to face. They would seem foreign and strange to you; at nine years old, you never knew these problems existed. At nine years old, you can't imagine going to college, so you have no idea how hard it was for me to step away from my first year of school because of my deep convictions. You're almost always happy, so you have no idea what it feels like to fall into depression over and over again when things seem awful. You know beyond the shadow of a doubt that your friends are friends forever who always have your back, so you have no idea how painful it was when I had to let a friend go because he didn't value my friendship. 

Maybe it's because I'm older and aware of more things; I see good in the world, but I can also see evil. Life no longer seems easy. I've been through a lot, but I've come out the other side. I've survived. I survived because of you, my younger self.

I want you to know just how proud I am of you. You're only nine right now, but your spirit is the same spirit that lives in me. I may have grown up, but my spirit - the spirit you gave me - is still the same. Your joyful, bubbly, childlike hope is what got me through all of my hard times; it sustains me even now. You, nine-year old Rachel, are so incredibly strong. Who knew that you could weather storms that make my heart sink? I had no idea you could carry me through so much.

Little Rachel, you will grow up and face many trials and much pain. But you will make it through all right. You'll have some scars, you'll have moments you can't forget, and you'll wish you could have stayed nine years old forever. But don't despair. I'm standing here today as proof that you are strong enough to grow up. I know everything that you are going to go through in the next few years because I went through it first. The important thing is, I made it. You will, too.

Growing up may seem daunting. There will be times that you'll wish you didn't have to struggle through hardships, but your spirit will help you keep going. You're strong enough to grow up, and when you do, I'll be waiting for you. 

Photo Credit: Tina Hollenbeck, Jeff Hollenbeck 

More Interesting Things About This Writer (30 Things)

There is more to me than meets the eye and I don't think I can be accurately summed up in a few words.

Every person on the planet is a complex mess of everything that makes up their personalities. No one quite knows who they are - they have to discover themselves over the course of their lives - so it's no surprise that it is hard to understand people when you see them at a glance. To really know the person, you have to spend time with them, learning who they are and discovering what they have discovered about themselves up till that point. It can be exhausting or fun to get to know someone. 

You, my readers, don't know me because the vast majority of you have never met me in real life. I could be anyone beyond this screen; you only know me based on what I write here. But I want to get to know you all better. I might never meet you, so I will never get to know you on a deeper level by spending time with you. But I want you to know me better so I want to show you what I'm like by telling you some interesting things about myself. 

I've written something similar to this before, in fact this post is the sequel to that first blog post about me (30 Interesting Things About This Writer), but some time has passed since the last list of interesting facts, and I have grown up a bit since then. These are new things about me that you haven't heard before but, in a sense, this is also the updated version of 30 Interesting Things About This Writer. So what don't you know about me? Quite a bit, actually, because I can't be easily summed up in 30 facts; no one can. But at least this shows you a little bit more about me. So, shall we continue...

1. I graduated this year, along with twelve other homeschooled kids. I got to graduate alongside my younger sister; we always planned to graduate together but it's crazy to think that we've passed that milestone this year. 

2. My favorite music artist right now is Aurora, a 24 year old Norwegian singer whose songs fall under the categories of Art Pop, Baroque Pop, and Folktronica. I find her music very calming and thought-provoking. All of Aurora's songs seem like poetry in motions, an aesthetic that I love. 

3. I will be turning 20 in a few months. 

4. Two recent reads of mine have been The Picture of Dorian Grey and Apostle of Freedom: Thomas Paine. I've always loved history and the writings of Thomas Paine, but his words seem all the more important in our current day and age. 

5. My family has five cats. We recently got the fifth one when he (Barnabas) showed up as a stray on our back deck. We brought him inside because he looked cold and hungry and he's been in the house for just over a month. 

6. Since my last 30 Things, I have been on a missions trip to Trinidad. That trip was the first time I had ever been out of my country at all, let alone on a missions trip. The week that I  was gone was the best week of my life. I really feel like I grew a lot spiritually, and I was so glad I got the opportunity to learn about a new culture. 

7. I have a younger sister who is only eleven and a half months younger than I. We're Irish twins!

8. If I could cosplay as any fictional character, I would go as either Kaori Miyazono from Your Lie in April or Celty Sturlson from Durarara. I have never tried cosplaying, but it seems like a really fun hobby so maybe I'll try it someday. 

9. I am a total clean freak. Not Monica from Friends level of clean freak, but I do like the spaces I live in to be tolerably clean. In a way, cleaning is therapeutic for me; there's just something very relaxing about putting a house or even one room in order. I like cleaning so much that I even started a cleaning business. 

10. I recently learned to crochet, and I am attempting to make a blanket. 

11. I recently quit my job as a lifeguard at the YMCA after working there for just over three years. I really enjoyed my job while I had it; it was my first job and I really appreciate everything I learned and gained from it. 

12. After quitting my job, I started my own business. I created a cleaning service that has been very successful during its first few months of existence. I've really enjoy having my own business; I can set my own hours, I'm doing work that I enjoy, and I feel like I'm really doing something unique. 

13. I share a birthday with the singer Cher and the actor Jimmy Stewart. My birthday is also the same date as Christopher Columbus' death date. 

14. I recently began journaling regularly. While I find it hard to journal sometimes, I think it's very important to document the world from my point of view. Journals are a wonderful way to preserve your inner voice and leave a testament to the world you lived in for the generations to come. 

15. I spent some time this year volunteering at a summer camp that I have been going to since I was five. Camp wasn't open as usual, but I helped clean and maintain it anyway. I painted walls, strung electrical wires, dug ditches, and installed wifi routers. 

16. I have gone through and studied the Perspectives missions course as part of my final project before I graduated high school. The course is focused on world missions and how every Christian can be a part of God's plan even if they never leave their home towns. The course felt especially impactful after my Trinidad trip. I saw field-missions work firsthand and then I was able to study it at a local level. 

17. Before I quit my job at the Y, I was part of the best quick-rescue team and the fastest backboard team at the entire Y in my city. The YMCA lifeguards had an end-of-year test to see who was the best and safest, and my teams and I won by a landslide; we even beat teams of longtime swim team members.  

18. A year and a half ago (when I wrote my first 30 Things), I intended to go to Ethnos360 Bible Institute for college. But, as with so many things in 2020 that fell through, I am not currently studying anywhere. While I still hope to get some sort of Bible/Missions degree, I am trusting that God has a plan for this setback and will reveal what he wants me to do in his own perfect timing. 

19. I love poetry. I have read many of Emily Dickinson's and Edgar Allen Poe's works, and in recent years I have started writing my own poetry. 

20. This year has been a really tough year for me. Nothing has seemed to go right, and I have really struggled with depression and listlessness. I am eternally thankful that I have had my family to help me; they are always there to support me and pull me out of dark places. While I am doing better now, I would have ended up in a much darker place if it hadn't been for my family. 

21. One of my greatest writing inspirations is the author and patriot Thomas Paine. His writing and beliefs helped kickstart the American revolution, and he was instrumental in creating the USA. I find it very encouraging that one person with a pen and paper can inspire such a radical change in the world. 

22. I love musical theater and have been involved in it for many years. I've had several small chorus parts and, for my senior year, I was backstage manager for a production of Cinderella. I have been involved in ten musicals. 

23. I use to be a gymnast when I was younger. I took classes for many years and was actually pretty good, but I decided to quit when I started getting taller. 

24. After I quit gymnastics, I took a crack at swim team. I only stayed on the team for one practice because I didn't like how intense all the other team members were, but it helped me become a lifeguard a few years later. 

25. Two of my favorite songs lately have been "Wildflowers" by Elle Fanning and "Riptide" by Vance Joy. These songs really resonate with me because they have a simple let powerful feeling.

26. I have a very complicated personality. I am actually a very friendly person, but I have to trust a person before I will open up. Sometimes this gives people the impression that I am shy or antisocial, but that's not the case; I am just very comfortable with my close group of friends, and I value loyal long-lasting friendships over passing acquaintances. 

27. I have never been in a bad car accident, though I was involved in a minor fender-bender last year. A car behind me failed to stop and rear-ended me. The accident turned into a hit-and-run after the offending driver ran from the scene; she didn't even stop to see if I was okay. This happened about two years, shortly after I got my driver's license. 

28. Sine my last post of 30 Things, I have become a diehard anime fan. While some people may have watched more, I can now say that I've watched 33 anime series (some more than once) and 32 anime movies (mostly Ghibli but many other studios too). My favorite anime voice actor is Steve Blum. He did the dubbing for two of my favorite anime characters. (Can you guess which ones?)

29. If I were to recommend an anime to someone, I would recommend Your Lie in April. It was the first anime I watched, and even though it is emotionally taxing, it is a good series to start off with. 

30. My favorite Studio Ghibli movie is Spirited Away. The movie actually came out the same year I was born, but I didn't see it till I was 14. The movie is good on its own, but it also holds a very dear place in my heart because it was the first thing that introduced me to Japan and that country's need for the message of the gospel. 

Now you know some more interesting facts about me, did you learn something new? What fact surprised you the most? Did you ever think that I was such a complex person?

This is why I like getting to know people through questions and fun facts about them; you learn things that you never would have guessed from a first impression. People are so wonderfully complicated; they're a wonder to discover. 

Sources Cited:                                                                                                                                Aurora, My Favorite Aurora Song, 

Kaori Miyazono, Celty Sturlson, 

My Poetry 

Trinidad 

Perspectives 

Wildflowers, Riptide

Steve Blum

Your Lie in April

Spirited Away 

A Journey In Summer

Many say that summer is supposed to be the best time of the entire year and, for the most part, I agree. While I prefer the cooler weather of spring to the humidity of summer, I enjoy taking advantage of all the activities summer has to offer. I spend a great deal of time outside in the fresh air enjoying the sunlight, I take walks and ride my bike with my sister, and every so often I take trips to the pool or beach to bask in the cool water.

When I get the chance, I relax, but for the most part much of my time is filled up with volunteer work. For the majority of my summer, I am usually up at a Bible camp serving on staff; I really enjoy getting to positively impact the campers that I come in contact with and over the years I feel that this volunteering has helped me grow in my personal faith and has created a servant's heart within me. I wouldn't want to spend my summers doing anything else.

Last summer, I spend much of my time at Bible camp as usual; I spent my time volunteering and was surrounded by positive and Christ-focused people. I was immersed in Bible material almost twenty-four-seven, and thank goodness I was because just before summer started I had a very unpleasant experience that deeply impacted me for many, many months. This experience changed me as a person and, if I hadn't been around good Christian people and the Bible all summer, it could have scarred me much more deeply than it did.

In a way, I went on a journey last summer. I didn't travel very far physically, but I went very far mentally and emotionally - farther than I ever wanted to go. I never thought I would write about my journey, but once I thought about it a little more, I realized there are probably hundreds of people who have gone through the same things and would benefit from any advice I can give them. The journey I went on was long and painful, and it left deep, deep scars. But I have a feeling talking about it will ease the painful memories.

My journey actually started back in April of 2019, when a person very close to me hurt me very badly. For the sake of this person and other people involved, I will keep "their" identity secret (using plural pronouns to aid in that process), and I won't say exactly what "they" did. The important thing about this post is what happened to me after I was hurt and how God helped me come out of it. Knowing what the person did to me specifically won't change the important part of this post so that will remain confidential -  between me, the person who hurt me, and the few people who saw the whole thing unfurl.

This person was very close to me and I cared very much about them; this person was one of my close friends so it was extremely shocking when, in early April of last year, they began acting strangely and became distant. All of a sudden, it didn't seem like our friendship meant anything to them. One month passed, and then two. Every time I talked with them, they pushed me further and further away. I started every conversation, I set up times for us to get together to hangout, and it seemed that I was the only one putting any effort into maintaining a friendship.

I don't think my readers can fully comprehend how painful this situation was for me; you, of course, weren't there from the beginning of the friendship and don't know how wonderful it once was. So you may find it surprising or confusing to hear that, after half a year of my friendship going south with no real hope of saving it, I decided I needed to take a step back until they were ready to continue a fifty-fifty friendship. It may seem strange that I had to back away from my friend, but after months and months of striving for an ideal that just wasn't happening, my mental heath was suffering and I found myself falling into depression for the first time in my life. I just couldn't fight my friend anymore, and I decided that if they didn't want this friendship, I would let them live their life without it. I wasn't going to keep them when they didn't want to stay.

Even after I resolved to step back, I was still depressed. It took a lot for me to talk to my friend and tell them everything they had put me through during the previous months. Even now I don't think my friend truly realized how badly their indifference had hurt me me until I told them. I still want to believe that they didn't intend to hurt me, but by the time I learned the whole truth and owned up to what was happening, it was too late. The damage had been done and my heart was broken. My mind just couldn't comprehend why my friend - my very dear friend - had decided to take my love for them for granted. As I spoke to my friend for the last time, asking them to think about what had happened and to consider fixing what they had broken, my mind screamed. It screamed louder than my heart that was begging me not to end the friendship; it asked a million and one questions. "Why did they bring this upon us?" "Isn't there any other way to find healing?" "Will they even remember the time we were friends or will our time together just be another passing moment in their long life, something to look back on with indifference when they get old?" The day I asked my friend to think about what had happened between us was the last day I spoke to them; it was the day a beautiful friendship that I had worked so hard to preserve died. It was the day my heart felt numb.

The day I left my friend was also the beginning of a long journey of recovery for me. I never saw it coming but months and months of fighting for my friendship had badly damaged my heart and soul. For the first time in my life I felt like my emotions had been completely and utterly tangled up; I couldn't untangle them no matter how hard I tried. I felt like a part of me had gone missing and I didn't know where to look for it. I wasn't even sure if I wanted my missing part back. Nothing seemed worthwhile. Everything seemed out of place; everything was shattered into a million pieces.

I had never dealt with severe depression before so I had no idea how to go on living, let alone get myself out of it. To me it seemed like my whole life had crumbled in around me with not even a smidge of hope for escape. And all this because of one friend. One friend who had meant the world to me, a person who had found a place in my heart only to tear themselves away like my friendship meant nothing to them; my heart couldn't move on. So for months I continued in my depression, jumping through all five phases of grief one after the other. My heart felt them all: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It was an endless cycle that only destroyed me further. Needless to say, most of my summer and a part of my fall were filled with nothing but heartache. There were good moments, but underneath there was always the underlying pain of letting my friend go. There was nowhere to go and my journey seemed to have stalled in the most terrible place possible.

If I had been told right after I started my journey of healing that God had a reason for everything I was going through and that I would come out of it eventually, I wouldn't have believed it. My pain was too fresh and too deep for me to imagine anything besides what I was going through. I wouldn't have believed that my life would go back to anything resembling normalcy. How could it?

But I believe now that God had a plan because I saw myself change and heal even though I didn't think it was possible. God wanted me to trust him more; he pursued me endlessly to let him handle the hard moments in my life but I hadn't listened. I'd been too comfortable in a reality that was peaceful and perfect. God knew that I would never surrender my moments to him on my own so he created a journey for me that would bring me back to him. To our human understanding, God is very unfair but that's only because we can only see his plans from our perspective. It seemed unfair to me that God would use my dying friendship to bring me back to him, but I couldn't see what he was doing deep down in my life while my heart was breaking. Even though I didn't see it right away, he was making me new from the inside out. Through the heartache and the pain, he was teaching me one or two things about trusting him and persevering through hard moments. He taught me that I needed to be my own person outside of my friendship - that I had let my love for one person consume my being, and that I couldn't find myself once that friendship was removed.

God used my pain to make me a stronger person. He also showed me just who in my life truly cared about me. He brought my family closer and closer to me and enabled them to lift me up to healing during the worst moments of last summer. And, finally, God reawakened a yearning to know him more deeply within myself. He showed me that he is the only thing worthy of my undying devotion. I had been ignoring my relationship with God and was, therefore, depriving myself of his constant peace and love.

Losing my friendship was terrible; it hurt more than anything I had ever experienced before. If I could go back to a time when my friend still cared about our relationship and tell them just how much they meant to me, I would go in a heartbeat. At the same time, I don't regret losing the friendship, because, even though I went through months of depression, heartache, and sadness, the journey that I went on made me stronger. It strengthened my faith in a God that never let me go, and it taught me who I am as a person.

My journey isn't over yet. I still miss my friend sometimes and the scars I gained from my journey will always be with me. But now I know what I'm made of; I know I can make it to the other side of the battle still standing. I know that now and forever I have a powerful God standing beside me who will always fight with me.

Though we will all have dark moments that will change who we are, remember that there is light at the other side of the tunnel. A resolution is coming; you just have to keep moving towards it. Only those who trust in God will see the end of the battle and will come out of it standing. I'm standing on the other side of my battle, near the end of this particular part of my life's journey. My wounds are deep and my scars are on full display, but I'm still standing...because my God is standing with me.

Photo Credit:Stocksy United 

Special Announcement/Explanation

Hello, All.
First and foremost, I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and is looking forward to a Merry Christmas. There is no happier time of year than the holiday season. Whether or not you celebrate any of the upcoming holidays - Christmas, New Year's, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa - I hope that the next few months are pleasant ones for you and your family.

It's been a while since I've posted on either of my blogs, but especially this one. There is a reason for this absence, and I wanted to take a moment to explain it to everyone who reads this blog. You are all such faithful readers that I feel you deserve to know why I haven't been posting for the last several weeks.

To put it quite frankly, I was swamped with many different things and couldn't find the time to write - or, if time did present itself, I had neither the ideas nor the patience to sit down and post. I would say I've hit a writing slump lately and nothing that I draft has sounded "good enough" to post. I am very hard on myself when it comes to writing and I have a hard time posting my work if I'm not completely satisfied with it. I am my own worst critic and in the last few weeks I have been especially hard on myself. I am trying to figure out why I have a tendency to dislike my own work and I have been endeavoring to push past my own anxiety when it comes to posting something. I'm hoping that I will soon be able to publish any blog post without worrying about its content. This will take time and I will have to examine myself to overcome this anxiety, but in the meantime I will continue to post. I do still love writing and this platform allows me to do what I love; I wouldn't give that up for the world.

In addition to my recent writing slump, I have been dealing with some problems in my personal life. I have gone through a couple of  very stressful situations lately, some of which will be detailed in later blog posts, and unfortunately, I fell into low-grade depression because of these situations. While the type of depression I experienced wasn't nearly as bad as what some people go through, it created a dark cloud on the days that really hit me, and I had to push back hard to escape it. Perhaps I will write a blog post about how I did eventually get out of my depression. I have a feeling that my story could help many other people, but for now I will simply say I did escape depression and am feeling much better.

The new year is coming up next week. I may not post any pieces before then but I promise that, come 2020, I will be ready to continue posting in full force. I really do love writing here; I just need a little time to rest, a sort of pre-work break during the holidays.

I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year and I will see you all again soon in 2020.

Your Author,
Rachel


Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com

Recounting the Days

Hello, everyone!!! I'm finally back and ready to start writing for you regularly. While I was only gone for three weeks, and that's much shorter than the breaks some writers take, it felt like a long time to me. Even though I told myself I was taking a break from this blog for a while, I was no where close to fasting from writing in general. In fact, I took time to write and journal more frequently on my break, partially to keep my creative gears turning but also because, no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to put my pen down for long. Needless to say, though, I'm glad to be back and I can't wait to resume posting.

I want everyone reading these words right now to take a deep breath. Not a quick one, but a slow, measured, deep breath that fills your lungs with clean fresh air. Hold that breath as long as you can, till you can feel your lungs beginning to ache, then let it go. Slow and deliberate, feel the air come rushing out of you in a calm easy breeze. It feels good to breathe in deeply; the very act of inhaling is meant to clean you out and refresh your body. It keeps you relaxed, eliminates stress, and reminds you how wonderful fresh air is. Now imagine that you're so busy that you don't even have time to take a regular breath, let alone a slow, calculated, deep-cleansing one. Imagine that you're running from one activity to another at the speed of light, that you have to map out your schedule a month in advance in an effort to minimize surprises. And imagine how stressful it is when random wrenches get thrown in the works. All that, while it's a little exaggerated, was my schedule for the past three weeks.

I wasn't completely blindsided by all this busyness; in fact, I had planned most of it myself in an effort to avoid summer boredom. But when everything started happening in real time, I discovered that I was too tired to handle most of it. Every new week was full of dozens of tasks that I had to accomplish, I was tired most of the time, and near the end of my busy weeks I began to experience some physical pain as well (perhaps that was God's sign that I needed to take a break soon.) But, despite the busyness and the stress, I wouldn't trade this summer for the world. Throughout my busyness, I could feel God moving with me and I truly believe that he worked inside of me this summer. I wouldn't say God showed up in a big way, though, at the beginning of the summer I was hoping he would; instead, he moved slowly and quietly inside of my soul.

Before the summer began, I was really struggling in my faith. I was feeling listless and too comfortable in my relationship with God and, as a result, when stress and trials hit me, I was unprepared to hold onto him. It seemed that one trial after another kept showing up in my life, one problem followed immediately by another with no end in sight. My happy-normal and my comfortable faith were disrupted, which sent me into a downward spiral of depression and anger that I had never gone through before. I felt dizzy from the tailspin I was in and I can honestly say that I was angry with God for allowing things to happen. I was determined to figure out my faith and fix my listlessness after the summer ended and, in the meantime, I would just focus on how busy I was.

But that's when God decided to work on me. He knew that I would never listen to him if he spoke outright and he knew that I couldn't make it through the summer in the state I was in. So he stayed silent, but he worked in my heart. He prompted me to pick up my Bible and read it more diligently, he spoke to me when I forced myself to sit and listen, and he healed my heart of some deep wounds that I hadn't let heal. He knew my heart and knew that it needed him.

God's timing is much better than our own and he allows everything to happen for a reason. I believe that this summer he needed me to trust him more and to seek him more freely. He used my busy schedule to show me how much I needed to depend on him and he showed me that it is all right to let him carry me to the end of a busy time. At the beginning of the summer, I was angry at God for being dormant in my life, but after what he showed me I now realize that he was never the dormant one. He was always waiting to give me a helping hand; I just needed to ask for it and trust that it would be there.