Hello, Rachel. How have you been? It's been a really long time since we've talked. Several years in fact. I didn't mean for it to be so long, but the years have gone very fast and a lot of things have happened that required my attention. But I thought it was about time we caught up.
If I remember correctly, you're nine years old and have just started forth grade. You like reading, tree climbing, and generally being outside. You spend most of your time doing one of these activities or playing with your little sister, Abbie. Your favorite color is blue, your hair is still bright blonde since you spend so much time outside, and you always seem to have a smile on your face. You're a little shy around strangers, but it only takes you a little while to get comfortable with them, after which you're happy, bubbly, and usually the loudest one in the group. I have always loved your spirit at this age. You never let anything hold you back. You were carefree, and the whole universe had possibilities.
You're nine years old; what a great age to be! In fact, it's going to turn out to be your favorite age. You're almost double digits so you feel very grown up and important, but you're still young enough that your biggest problems in life are picking how you want your hair styled in the morning and how much time you can spend outside before it gets too dark. You don't have a care in the world that can't be solved by a hug from your mom.
How I wish life had stayed that way! Though you can't fathom it right now, you're going to grow up. You're going to grow up into the person that I am today. I can hardly believe sometimes that you and I are the same person; we've changed so much. We may look the same - you really don't change in appearance that much as you get older - but in many other ways I am no longer the little girl who was so excited to be turning double digits.
At the time of my writing this, I am 19 years old, ten years older than you, my dear past self. I've grown into a tall, reflective, very opinionated young adult who still can't believe how old she is sometimes. I still love the outdoors, though I don't climb trees anymore. I am still an avid reader, and I have also tried my hand at writing essays and poetry. I am much quieter than I used to be, but that doesn't mean I've lost my spunkiness; I'm quiet but that only means I'm loud on the inside. My smile is still bright and I use it often; nothing could take that away, not even the problems that I have had to face as an adult.
I doubt that you, my nine-year old self, could fathom some of the problems that I have had to face. They would seem foreign and strange to you; at nine years old, you never knew these problems existed. At nine years old, you can't imagine going to college, so you have no idea how hard it was for me to step away from my first year of school because of my deep convictions. You're almost always happy, so you have no idea what it feels like to fall into depression over and over again when things seem awful. You know beyond the shadow of a doubt that your friends are friends forever who always have your back, so you have no idea how painful it was when I had to let a friend go because he didn't value my friendship.
Maybe it's because I'm older and aware of more things; I see good in the world, but I can also see evil. Life no longer seems easy. I've been through a lot, but I've come out the other side. I've survived. I survived because of you, my younger self.
I want you to know just how proud I am of you. You're only nine right now, but your spirit is the same spirit that lives in me. I may have grown up, but my spirit - the spirit you gave me - is still the same. Your joyful, bubbly, childlike hope is what got me through all of my hard times; it sustains me even now. You, nine-year old Rachel, are so incredibly strong. Who knew that you could weather storms that make my heart sink? I had no idea you could carry me through so much.
Little Rachel, you will grow up and face many trials and much pain. But you will make it through all right. You'll have some scars, you'll have moments you can't forget, and you'll wish you could have stayed nine years old forever. But don't despair. I'm standing here today as proof that you are strong enough to grow up. I know everything that you are going to go through in the next few years because I went through it first. The important thing is, I made it. You will, too.
Growing up may seem daunting. There will be times that you'll wish you didn't have to struggle through hardships, but your spirit will help you keep going. You're strong enough to grow up, and when you do, I'll be waiting for you.
Photo Credit: Tina Hollenbeck, Jeff Hollenbeck
