Hello Everyone.
I'm back! I'm so sorry that I was absent from this and my other blog for so long (I've taken breaks before but never quite as completely as this one). No, I didn't quit writing or fall off the face of the earth; I have just been unable to post for a very long time for reasons that I will explain in a moment. But before that, I want to thank anyone who is still actively watching this blog and waiting for me to update. Even though I don't know you personally, it means a lot to me to have loyal, devoted readers coming back month after month to enjoy what I've posted, and knowing that you're waiting for me to write something gives me motivation to keep working. I hope that you will all continue to read my blogs now that I have returned and I promise that I will post more frequently in the coming months. But...anyway, where the heck have I been and what has been keeping me from writing since February?
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For starters, while I haven't written about this event yet, I have mentioned that I wasn't able to go to school in Fall 2020. For four years, basically the entirty of my high school career, I had planned to attend Ethnos360 Bible Institute to complete a two-year Bible and Missions degree. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend the school because of policy changes due to the virus-that-will-not-be-named, and for quite a while I had no idea what I was going to do with the time that I had allotted to school studies. I made the decision to drop out of school two weeks before the start of the semester so, even if I had found another school and program to pursue, it would have been too late to apply, let alone get accepted. I struggled a lot emotionally with the decision I had made and I had a lot of conversations with God asking him why he had "derailed" the plans I had set in stone. If this past year has taught me anything, it is that God's timing is almost never my timing and that my human shortsightedness is a terrible guide for my life. While I didn't think of it at the time, I have since remembered Proverbs 16:9, which says, "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." This verse definitely applies to my life over the past year. My plans were derailed and I couldn't see why God had allowed it to happen; I couldn't possibly imagine what God had in store that was better than Bible school. But God came through for me and he came through in a big way.
I have been a part of a local musical group for just over ten years. I joined when I was eleven and, while I haven't had major roles, I have enjoyed every production I was involved in. I have always loved the theater, but I came to realize over the years that acting really wasn't my strong suit; I could do it but I was much more passionate about working behind the scenes to make sure the show went smoothly. So during my last year of high school, I transitioned to the role of backstage hand and worked behind the scenes of the group's production of Cinderella. That experience was wonderful so, when I graduated and I stepped away from the theater group in preparation to go to college, my heart hurt a great deal. But God works in wonderful ways! I never thought I would do another production with my theater group - I thought our shows would become a pleasant memory as I threw myself wholeheartedly into my school work - but God had other plans.
When I dropped out of school, I had no idea how I was going to fill my time; I pondered for weeks on what I could do, and then my mother asked me randomly one morning in September if I had thought about my theater group. God bless the mind of a mother! If my mom had not reminded me that my theater group was preparing to rehearse and preform a rendition of Beauty and the Beast, if she hadn't prompted me to call my director and ask if she needed any help at all, I never would have wound up in the cast of Beauty and the Beast as the Stage Manger!
I had loved working backstage for Cinderella but being the Stage Manger for Beauty and the Beast was pure bliss. I am very detail-oriented and I have a knack for organization, so getting to apply those talents to a theater production was wonderful. I was also able to find satisfaction knowing that I was helping my director out in a huge way. Because of the circumstances of the past year, putting together a show was no easy feat (though my director continually impressed me with everything she pulled off); my director worried a lot if all our hard work would pay off, if our minimal cast was up to the challenge that Beauty and the Beast presented, and if the show would ever see the light of day. On more than one occasion, she was completely stressed with too many balls in the air and seemingly the weight of the entire production on her shoulders; as her Stage Manager, I had the ability to help her shoulder that stress and take care of the little details that she just couldn't worry about in the moment. After our show ended, she pulled me aside and told me that having me backstage gave her a sense of peace. She knew she didn't have to worry about anything backstage because she knew she could depend on me to take care of everything. God has given me gifts that helped me comfort my director and I am forever grateful that I was given the chance to use them.
But more than anything, being the Stage Manger for this show was wonderful because I credit Beauty and the Beast as a saving grace in my life during this past year. I have suffered with depression in the past (I have written about it before and I will do so again in a moment) and before I joined the cast of Beauty and the Beast I felt my self slipping back into my old habits. I was very disappointed that my 2020 plans had been thrown out the window and I had no idea what I was going to do with my newly-found time. My college plans had been set in stone for months and I had had my heart set on Ethnos360 since freshman year of high school. I couldn't understand why God would take, seemingly, everything away from me. I was angry and sad and on more than one occasion I begged God to show me why I had been forced to stay home. How could anything fill the void that had just opened in my life?
This truly is a case of God's plan over mine. If I had gone to school, I never would have had the opportunity to stage manage for Beauty and the Beast, I couldn't have built the friendships that were created during rehearsal time, and I would not have discovered just how passionate I am for live theater (I have always loved it but this year, perhaps because we had to work so hard to produce our show, that love was really solidified and may have opened up a new path for me). I can't fathom everything that God has done for me and, in hindsight, I am forever grateful that he derailed my plans and gave me a better path to walk during this past year.
I could go on and on about musical (just ask my family, who has already heard me gush about the show over and over again). I could tell you all the magical secrets of working behind the scenes, I could expose all the skeletons in the proverbial prop closet, I could talk theater for hours (maybe I'll dedicate a whole blog post to Beauty and the Beast). But for now there's more of this post to get to, so read on.
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As busy as I was helping out with Beauty and the Beast, the production was not the only thing that kept me from posting for months. As I have said in the past, I struggle with sporadic depression. While it is not severe to the point where I would have to take medication to combat it, and it is not a long-lasting sensation when it arrives, I have found it hard to function normally or follow my regular routine when it strikes. When I am feeling depressed, I am not suicidal or deeply disturbed, but I cannot force myself to act like I'm okay. I feel tired, upset, and melancholy. I find it hard to do the things that bring me joy because my "depression brain" can no longer find the spark of excitement that lets me enjoy the things that I love. All I want to do is curl up in a tight ball and lay under my bed covers till my mood improves; at the same time, though, that is not enough to make me happy again.
More often than not, my depression is triggered by the feeling that I am not doing anything worthwhile with my life. I see my friends in their "wildly successful" careers, living "exciting," "fast paced" lives, and I wonder why my life doesn't look the same. It's not that I'm jealous of my friends; I know that their lives are just as "mundane" as mine. I know that they are not completely satisfied either, and I know that what they are doing with their lives is fulfilling for them and I would not be happy trading places. But deep down my depression asks the quite question, "Are you really happy with how your life is going?" I can see the error in this question; I know that I am happy with my life and that the career and activities I fill my time with are good fulfilling things that bring me joy. I know that if something in my life is not right for me, I can fix it and pursue better things...but in the moment it can be hard to listen to my logical self.
Alternatively, my depression comes about when it seems like the weight of the world is on my shoulders - when I have many responsibilities that all require my attention at once, when important things go wrong in my life, or when the world just seems too big and stressful for me to handle. When I just can't deal with the stress anymore, my body shuts down and forces me to take a step back from everything weighing on me. But it is not a healthy step back because, instead of re-evaluating my life and deciding if I have to cut some pressing things out of my schedule, my depression takes over and I tend to sit in silence, wondering how I'm ever going to juggle all the tasks vying for my attention. I sit and stew and, though it doesn't last long, I wonder if any of the things I'm juggling are worth the time and effort I'm putting into them. "What if I just dropped that; no one would care," "Can I shirk on that responsibility for a while?" "Is this really making an impact?" These thoughts crowd my mind and I am tempted to let everything fall by the wayside; all I want to do is abandon the things that make me happy and seek out something "new and exciting." Once again, I know that these thoughts are foolish and that I just need to walk through my depression for a little while till I am able to pick up my responsibilities and juggle them all again. I know that burn out, melancholy, and depression don't last forever but that can be hard to remember.
As I said, my depression is not a constant struggle. It comes and goes and more often than not I am completely happy and satisfied with my life. I can go for months without slipping. But depression comes out of nowhere and can be triggered by very simple things. When the whole world went crazy last year and any semblance of normal life disappeared, I fought as long as I could to stay positive and trust that everything would be all right. I tired to remember that God had the whole situation in his hands (I never stopped believing that), but month after month went by with no change and, as time passed, the world just seemed to get worse. I tried to stay positive - I told myself that tomorrow would be better, I would go to bed hoping that something would brighten the next day - but when I woke up I was always sorely disappointed. After weeks of putting on a brave face and fighting against all the anger, sadness, and disappointment, I just couldn't fight anymore and I slipped into probably the worst depression episode I have ever experienced. I couldn't pull myself out of it for weeks.Nothing seemed worthwhile. I was afraid that if I looked forward to anything or put my hope in a "saving grace," that it would be suddenly and unemotionally taken away from me. I tired to be happy and there were moments that I was, but underneath everything was a lurking, malignant sadness. My emotions had been tattered to the point of seemingly no return, I couldn't begin to fathom putting myself back together to try and rebuild my life. I just couldn't lift my sword to fight.
"The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be still." Exodus 14:14
God's timing and strength will always leave me in awe. Though I was completely knocked off my feet by the last year, though I was overcome by the most powerful emotions, though I couldn't fight my own battles, God was in total control. God not only saw my tattered state, but he knew that it was going to happen before it ever did and he had the perfect plan to get me out of it. God fought my battle with depression for me and only asked that I trust him and watch from the sidelines. He took on all the emotions that I couldn't face and blew them all away. God reached down, took my little hand, and pulled me back up onto my feet. God brought me out of the depression and started putting my life back together. He reintroduced me to the things that I loved and showed me some new things. He overcame everything that had happened over the past year.
I was not instantly cured of my depression; it still took a little while to come out of it and I still fall into it occasionally. But the real thing I took away from the experience was this: God cares about me and will never leave me in a hard place. It might feel like you are completely alone in your suffering, but God is always right behind you, holding you up. God knew that I needed to trust him more so he placed me in a situation where that was all I could do; all I could do was cling to him and realize that he wasn't going to let go. God used the whole of last year to teach me more about myself; I was able to go deeper in my relationship with him, and for the first time in a very long while, I am actually invested in discovering more about my Savior. I couldn't see it at the time but God was doing a good work in me, one that would bring about sweet fruit.
Trust the Lord's timing because he knows what he's doing and he will always fight for you.
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We house-hunted for weeks. We looked through dozens of undesirable or unworkable houses, we lost bids on two houses and had to get back up after that disappointment. We finally got a house but our closing date isn't till the fall. Then we had to pack away all of our non-essential belongings (shocker, it takes a lot of work to pack up twenty five years worth of stuff!), we endeavored to fix all of the little problems in our house that we had lived with for years, and we had to endure the destruction of our comfortable daily routines.
Everywhere I turn there is something else moving-related to be dealt with. It seemed like there is no end in sight. Every waking moment was, and still is, filled with house-related stress and, though I tried to work through it for a while, I have found it very hard to deal with all this commotion. Many, many things have to get done very quickly, our lives have been turned upside down, and there is no small amount of emotional stress attached to this big step. My emotions are shot and there are times when I just can't think about moving anymore.
I have been too busy, stressed, and at times too sad to sit down and type a blog post. After working for hours on the house, I just needed to rest my body and my brain. I could have written something but I wouldn't have enjoyed it and it probably wouldn't have been very coherent.
All that being said...there is still a long way to go before our lives can get back to normal in a new house, but we are well on our way. This is a new experience for my whole family and, while it is stressful at times, I would be lying if I said we weren't excited about this next step. There is a whole new chapter opening up in front of us and we are very excited to see where it takes us. While we will remain the same, we will have a new house to inhabit and make our own. We have the opportunity to "reinvent" ourselves, to see how we can mature into a new space. It will be sad leaving the house we have lived in for twenty-five years and I know that I will personally miss "my home" and "my room" and "my routine" from time to time. But I am also looking forward to a new home, room, and routine at the same time. This is a grand adventure and I am ready to embark on it.
Through all of this, I continually remember that God is with us. He knew we were going to choose to move, he knew where our new house was before we ever saw it. He has been walking alongside us this entire time, rejoicing in the our triumphs and weeping in our sorrows. He has worked everything for our good, even if we didn't understand what he was doing in the moment. He was with us in our old home and he will be with us in a new one. Our lives are changing but God remains the same.
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All of this has contributed to my recent absence. Many things fell on my plate at once, some good and some bad, and in an effort to clear my plate of some things, activities I love like blogging had to be put aside for a time to make room for everything else. I wouldn't say that my life has calmed down now that the things I mentioned above have ended or are about to end, but I do have more energy and I have found myself reaching for the things I set aside. Now I can bring my passions back onto the plate and, while they might sit untouched for a while, I can work on them once again. I cannot promise that I will be able to post consistently, but I will try to post more than I have been. I never want to let my writing lapse for very long so, even if it lays dormant for a while, I will always come back.
Thank you again to all of you who have stuck with me and I hope to be writing for you again very soon. :)
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