They're so tiny and delicate, floating on the wind and dancing up and down. The wind is blowing colder now and harder, tossing the flakes around, up and down and together and apart, mixing them all together in a great white blur. Some of the flakes melt as they float closer to the lit cigarette in my hand, its glow illuminating a glistening white flake for and instant before it destorys it.
I sigh as I hold the cigarette up to my mouth and then suck in a puff of smoke. I let the taste roll over my tongue for a few moments, allowing the tangy, burning smell, to fill my nose before I let it go, blowing the smoke into the swirling snow. Who could have guessed I would end up here in New York City the day before Christmas, all alone with only my cigarette for a friend? This is not how I though I would be spending my holiday, let alone my life.
As I gazed back into the snow from my apartment balcony, my mind wondered over the last few years. How far I had fallen. How wrong my friends had been when they had said I would go the farthest after high school. They used to say, "Ellie Widenburge is so smart she'll be a doctor or a lawyer of something else important like that.
True, I had started my first month at medical school fresh - faced and ready to take on the world and its knowledge. But then things had happened. One thing after another, all leading to that final straw only a few weeks after the beginning of the semester. I had slowly lost interest in being a doctor and dropped out completely soon after. I guess i just couldn't get back on my feet after that. So I had let the years slip away from me and, with them, the few good friends I had; I really didn't have anyone now.
But this was no time to think about the past. After all, it had already happened; besides, my cigarette was almost finished and I needed to buy a new pack. It was no less cold inside my apartment than outside but I was use to it. Throwing on my thickest jacket and gloves, I grabbed up my wallet and headed out the door.
Twenty flights of stairs and a vending machine stop later, I was on the dark street below. Turning towards the busiest street, I began shuffling down the sidewalk that was all too familiar to my step. I'm sure if you'd looked closely, you'd be able to see the worn down cement where my feet often dragged.
The snow was still falling but lighter now. The gray clouds still hung over my head and the buildings nearby seemed to press down on me as I shuffled closer to the corner drugstore. If these houses and buildings could talk, I'm sure they would not be able to count how many times I had passed by them; I couldn't even remember. I often imagined the people in the nearby high rises looking out of the windows seeing me every day and judfing me as they lived their cozy lives; it used to bother me but after a while I had became numb to it.
I was close to the store now; I could practically see the door. My mind began to wander again but not far enough that I didn't hear it. I listened. The sound of a single bell, clear and perfect, was piercing the night air; it rang out so sweetly, almost like a singer's voice.
As I continued to walk, it became louder and even sweeter. It was coming from the drugstore. Something about the sound's pealing pulled me towards it so much so I couldn't stop myself, and, as if I had no control over my own body, me feet began to run. Closer and closer to the bell I came, my ears only hearing the ringing. It sounded so beautiful and out of place on this dreary night that I just had to find the source!
And there it was. On the corner of the store sidewalk, draped in a red apron with a towel on her head stood a lady ringing a tiny silver bell and making it sing with all her might. I stopped running. I stopped completely. All I could do was stare at the woman, and then she looked up.
I gulped. Now what? This was awkward. What should I do? I thought the woman would scowl at me and be angry for staring so I prepared for what I thought was coming, an outburst of annoyance thrown in my general direction.
But, instead, the woman just smiled and stuck a gloved hand up into the air and waved. When I didn't wave back she called out, "Merry Christmas! Ma'am, are you having a good holiday?"
"Yeah...I guess," I stammered, finally remembering to wave.
"Excuse me, ma'am," she said as I got closer. "Have you heard the good news?" Christmas is a very special time, but not the way you're thinking. Did you know that there was a king born on this day a long time ago, and did you know that he loves you?"
What was she talking about? It sounded like she was just speaking nonsense. Whatever it was, I didn't want to hear it, but how to get away from this lady? There was nothing to do but walk past her and into the store, which I finally did but only with a great amount of effort.
After buying my pack of cigarettes, I waited just inside the door. I didn't want to walk past the bell ringer again; it would be too embarrassing. But there was no other way out except the main doors.
Maybe she would leave. But she didn't; she just kept standing there, ringing the bell and smiling at everyone who walked in or out.
Oh, whatever! I had endured embarrassment before; I could do it again. So, pulling my coat around my shoulders, I opened the door and stepped quickly past her. She didn't try to stop me; I didn't even think she saw me.
And, when I was a couple of feet away from her, I looked back. She was still ringing the bell. Whew! Thank goodness she wasn't offended by my staring and, better than that, she hadn't seen me leave. She wouldn't have another chance to preach to me about Christmas. Or so I thought.
I turned to go home and then heard, "Have a nice holiday, ma'am! God loves you!"
I whirled around, "What?" I called back.
"God loves you, ma'am!"
Why had she said that? She didn't even know me! Was the only question pounding in my head all the way home and all that night and even the next morning. I realized I really shouldn't have been so ruffled by the encounter, though it had caught me off guard. But what did it really matter? I was never going to see that lady again, so I should just forget it.
It was Christmas Day, and what a rotten one at that. I guessed Christmas is the loneliest holiday ever - well, aside from Valentine's Day - but that was beside the point.
I was sitting in my living room once again with a cigarette in my hand. But I wasn't smoking it so it was just filling the room with fog. I was debating putting it out and going back to bed when the door bell rang. Sighting, I got up from the couch and went to unlock the door.
I was not prepared for the little woman standing there. In truth, I could barely see her over the giant basket of food she was carrying. But I could tell it was her, the same lady from last night. The bell ringer.
"Oh my! Well, isn't this a surprise. I had no idea you lived here, ma'am, but let me introduce myself; Dellphine Whit. But most everybody - and you - can call me Dell. I just wanted to drop off a few Christmas goodies to the people in this part of town," she babbled.
I stood frozen to the ground. What was that I had said about never seeing the bell ringing again?
Dell continued. "Don't look so shocked, honey, I'm not trying to scare you or anything. It really is amazing what God works out. I had a feeling you needed help."
"Excuse me, what? You know, lady I don't care. You're just freaking me out and I really don't feel like buying whatever you're selling."
"I'm not selling anything but the truth."
"Well, bah. I don't want to hear it! I've heard about you people, you Christians, coming around on Christmas selling a bunch of mumbo jumbo just to make yourself feel better. I don't want to hear it so please get off my front step!" I bellowed.
"All right, dear. Just please take the basket. It's Christmas," Dell said irritatingly calm.
Then she turned around and left.
Picking up the basket which she had left behind, I stalked back inside and slammed the door. I almost threw it away - I didn't need it after all - but on top was a little card and it stopped me. All it said was, "Christmas is about love, and we love you. Inner City Hope Mission, 2366 East Avenue."
I don't know what it was but something made me keep the card; I didn't want to let it go. In fact, I wanted to find out more. At least it would give me something to do.
The building looked like any other on the block, tall and made of brick with soot and grime blanketing the sides. I looked up at it three days after Dell had stood at my front door, I scoffed to my self, "Some place of hope. It looks like it could fall apart in two minutes."
Oh, but something about it stopped me from continuing. I looked up into one of the many dirty windows. It looked warm inside almost cozy; it almost seemed to glow with a special light. Inside I could see a little girl sitting by herself on an old but soft looking coach. She seemed to be glowing to. Was she reading something? A book? I wondered what it was; I felt like I had to find out. So without thinking I walked over and opened the door, and then I was inside. It was cozy with warm lights shining from every corner. I walked over to the girl.
"What are you reading?" I asked.
She looked up at me with the most clear blue eyes I had even seen, "I'm reading the Bible, 1 John 4: 27."
"What does it say?"
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God," she read. Closing the book she smiled up at me.
What was it about these Christians, why did they always smile, and not just normal smiles, a kind of care free hopeful smile that I just couldn't let myself believe. But something in my heart twinged, like a guitar string. I sat there in the warmth, completely frozen.
"Love," I mumbled. "Who could ever love me?"
"I know who," the little girl said.
Had I said that out loud? She didn't give me a chance to remember.
"God could and does love you, and so do I."
True, I had started my first month at medical school fresh - faced and ready to take on the world and its knowledge. But then things had happened. One thing after another, all leading to that final straw only a few weeks after the beginning of the semester. I had slowly lost interest in being a doctor and dropped out completely soon after. I guess i just couldn't get back on my feet after that. So I had let the years slip away from me and, with them, the few good friends I had; I really didn't have anyone now.
But this was no time to think about the past. After all, it had already happened; besides, my cigarette was almost finished and I needed to buy a new pack. It was no less cold inside my apartment than outside but I was use to it. Throwing on my thickest jacket and gloves, I grabbed up my wallet and headed out the door.
Twenty flights of stairs and a vending machine stop later, I was on the dark street below. Turning towards the busiest street, I began shuffling down the sidewalk that was all too familiar to my step. I'm sure if you'd looked closely, you'd be able to see the worn down cement where my feet often dragged.
The snow was still falling but lighter now. The gray clouds still hung over my head and the buildings nearby seemed to press down on me as I shuffled closer to the corner drugstore. If these houses and buildings could talk, I'm sure they would not be able to count how many times I had passed by them; I couldn't even remember. I often imagined the people in the nearby high rises looking out of the windows seeing me every day and judfing me as they lived their cozy lives; it used to bother me but after a while I had became numb to it.
I was close to the store now; I could practically see the door. My mind began to wander again but not far enough that I didn't hear it. I listened. The sound of a single bell, clear and perfect, was piercing the night air; it rang out so sweetly, almost like a singer's voice.
As I continued to walk, it became louder and even sweeter. It was coming from the drugstore. Something about the sound's pealing pulled me towards it so much so I couldn't stop myself, and, as if I had no control over my own body, me feet began to run. Closer and closer to the bell I came, my ears only hearing the ringing. It sounded so beautiful and out of place on this dreary night that I just had to find the source!
And there it was. On the corner of the store sidewalk, draped in a red apron with a towel on her head stood a lady ringing a tiny silver bell and making it sing with all her might. I stopped running. I stopped completely. All I could do was stare at the woman, and then she looked up.
I gulped. Now what? This was awkward. What should I do? I thought the woman would scowl at me and be angry for staring so I prepared for what I thought was coming, an outburst of annoyance thrown in my general direction.
But, instead, the woman just smiled and stuck a gloved hand up into the air and waved. When I didn't wave back she called out, "Merry Christmas! Ma'am, are you having a good holiday?"
"Yeah...I guess," I stammered, finally remembering to wave.
"Excuse me, ma'am," she said as I got closer. "Have you heard the good news?" Christmas is a very special time, but not the way you're thinking. Did you know that there was a king born on this day a long time ago, and did you know that he loves you?"
What was she talking about? It sounded like she was just speaking nonsense. Whatever it was, I didn't want to hear it, but how to get away from this lady? There was nothing to do but walk past her and into the store, which I finally did but only with a great amount of effort.
After buying my pack of cigarettes, I waited just inside the door. I didn't want to walk past the bell ringer again; it would be too embarrassing. But there was no other way out except the main doors.
Maybe she would leave. But she didn't; she just kept standing there, ringing the bell and smiling at everyone who walked in or out.
Oh, whatever! I had endured embarrassment before; I could do it again. So, pulling my coat around my shoulders, I opened the door and stepped quickly past her. She didn't try to stop me; I didn't even think she saw me.
And, when I was a couple of feet away from her, I looked back. She was still ringing the bell. Whew! Thank goodness she wasn't offended by my staring and, better than that, she hadn't seen me leave. She wouldn't have another chance to preach to me about Christmas. Or so I thought.
I turned to go home and then heard, "Have a nice holiday, ma'am! God loves you!"
I whirled around, "What?" I called back.
"God loves you, ma'am!"
Why had she said that? She didn't even know me! Was the only question pounding in my head all the way home and all that night and even the next morning. I realized I really shouldn't have been so ruffled by the encounter, though it had caught me off guard. But what did it really matter? I was never going to see that lady again, so I should just forget it.
It was Christmas Day, and what a rotten one at that. I guessed Christmas is the loneliest holiday ever - well, aside from Valentine's Day - but that was beside the point.
I was sitting in my living room once again with a cigarette in my hand. But I wasn't smoking it so it was just filling the room with fog. I was debating putting it out and going back to bed when the door bell rang. Sighting, I got up from the couch and went to unlock the door.
I was not prepared for the little woman standing there. In truth, I could barely see her over the giant basket of food she was carrying. But I could tell it was her, the same lady from last night. The bell ringer.
"Oh my! Well, isn't this a surprise. I had no idea you lived here, ma'am, but let me introduce myself; Dellphine Whit. But most everybody - and you - can call me Dell. I just wanted to drop off a few Christmas goodies to the people in this part of town," she babbled.
I stood frozen to the ground. What was that I had said about never seeing the bell ringing again?
Dell continued. "Don't look so shocked, honey, I'm not trying to scare you or anything. It really is amazing what God works out. I had a feeling you needed help."
"Excuse me, what? You know, lady I don't care. You're just freaking me out and I really don't feel like buying whatever you're selling."
"I'm not selling anything but the truth."
"Well, bah. I don't want to hear it! I've heard about you people, you Christians, coming around on Christmas selling a bunch of mumbo jumbo just to make yourself feel better. I don't want to hear it so please get off my front step!" I bellowed.
"All right, dear. Just please take the basket. It's Christmas," Dell said irritatingly calm.
Then she turned around and left.
Picking up the basket which she had left behind, I stalked back inside and slammed the door. I almost threw it away - I didn't need it after all - but on top was a little card and it stopped me. All it said was, "Christmas is about love, and we love you. Inner City Hope Mission, 2366 East Avenue."
I don't know what it was but something made me keep the card; I didn't want to let it go. In fact, I wanted to find out more. At least it would give me something to do.
The building looked like any other on the block, tall and made of brick with soot and grime blanketing the sides. I looked up at it three days after Dell had stood at my front door, I scoffed to my self, "Some place of hope. It looks like it could fall apart in two minutes."
Oh, but something about it stopped me from continuing. I looked up into one of the many dirty windows. It looked warm inside almost cozy; it almost seemed to glow with a special light. Inside I could see a little girl sitting by herself on an old but soft looking coach. She seemed to be glowing to. Was she reading something? A book? I wondered what it was; I felt like I had to find out. So without thinking I walked over and opened the door, and then I was inside. It was cozy with warm lights shining from every corner. I walked over to the girl.
"What are you reading?" I asked.
She looked up at me with the most clear blue eyes I had even seen, "I'm reading the Bible, 1 John 4: 27."
"What does it say?"
"Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God," she read. Closing the book she smiled up at me.
What was it about these Christians, why did they always smile, and not just normal smiles, a kind of care free hopeful smile that I just couldn't let myself believe. But something in my heart twinged, like a guitar string. I sat there in the warmth, completely frozen.
"Love," I mumbled. "Who could ever love me?"
"I know who," the little girl said.
Had I said that out loud? She didn't give me a chance to remember.
"God could and does love you, and so do I."
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